Where to Begin?

Being out of school for good (both high school and college) is also a very strange experience. There’s this sense of freedom, but I’m also consumed with the question of, “What next?”. I didn’t grow up with aspirations or a passion. I ran thoughts through my head about what I wanted to do in the future. At one point I wanted to do youth ministry, and at another, I thought about becoming a public speaker. I wanted to move across the country and even move to another country. The possibilities were endless, but they were all just a pipe dream. Knowing what I do now, I don’t think I ever truly wanted to do any of those things. Did I really want to be so far away from my friends and family? No. Did I really want to pursue a career dedicated to an organized religion that I don’t fully agree with? No. What did I want to do? What do I want to do? The answer is simple, really. I don’t know.

I went to college only because my high school guidance counselor at the time judgingly said, “Are you sure?” when I told her I wanted to drop my college courses. I don’t like confrontation, so I told her “nevermind” and went through with it anyways. I took two college level courses, English and History, that were never applied to my college transcript. I always despised English and History. I hate writing papers, and I have the memory capacity of a Word document that didn’t save correctly (does that make sense?). Surprisingly enough, however, I really enjoyed the history course. English, not so much. We remain mortal enemies. Perhaps, this is my enemies to lovers, slow burn, y/n fanfic.

As a result of the previous happenings, I applied to a college that I would soon come to really dislike. It was a nice place in theory, but there were so many “plot holes” that made it unenjoyable. I had always hoped that college would be “the most fun time in my life”, but all college did was give me mass amounts of stress and financial burdens. College is a scam, but it is what it is, I suppose.

Eventually, college became too much to pay for, so I switched to online. Still very expensive, but hey, at least I graduated. You know what’s funny but also disappointing? I spent 4.5 years at a university that I didn’t like, am now in about $50,000 worth of debt, and I don’t feel like I’ve grown or gotten any better at what I went there to do. It’s frustrating to say the least. It feels like a waist of time, money, and my mental stability. Did I even need to go to an out of state private university just to major in graphic design? Did I really need to try to fit into a mold that I knew I’d never be able to take the shape of? Probably not, but I did it anyways, and it was taxing. I wasn’t in a good place when I went to college, and I’m probably in an even worse state now. What is there to do other than to push forward?

A Mental Marathon

I’m not sure if many of you are familiar with the term “masking”. It’s essentially a survival tactic for many neurodivergent people to appear more socially acceptable in neurotypical societies. I, myself, do this quite often. I’m not sure how to explain it, but to me, there have been many times where I have felt very out of place. To the point where I basically put on an act to appear, I guess, “normal” to those around me. I did this a lot during my time at college and at church. I had only realized I did it at church recently, and it made it almost unbearable to be there. Nobody was to blame, I just became hyper-aware that I was trying to mold myself to other people’s standards. Everyone had a certain mindset, a certain way they acted, a certain way of speaking. It was very overwhelming once I realized I was trying to mimic it. It was the same way when I was at college, high school, and as a child.

I always tried to engage in topics I didn’t quite understand or care for. I felt as if the things that I was interested in weren’t topics other people would care about. I was afraid of coming across as annoying. I have a habit of repeatedly telling the same person the same things over and over again, especially if it’s about something I really like. I think a part of it is because I forget that I’ve already told them, but it’s also because.. I’m not sure actually. I tend to hyper-fixate on a lot of things. Mostly video games, movies, shows, etc. I like the stories, characters, design, animation, and so many others. I could write multi-page papers on things like World of Warcraft. You want to know the entire lore and history of Arthas Menethil? Leave it to me. I watched a 3 hour long YouTube video on the guy, twice.

There’s not much reason for this section, but this wasn’t supposed to be a coherent post. It’s just a long rambling session about what I’ve been feeling for the past 5 years. If any of this made sense to you, I applaud you.

No, but seriously, let’s watch all the WoW cinematic trailers in order together.

A New Start

Time Stamp: 29 October 2022

I left this post for like a month. I got busy and sad lol. There’s not much left to say, really. What am I doing now? Well, I’ve been at my new job for about a month now. I enjoy it very much, although I’m not very good at sales. I get disoriented when people ask me questions I don’t know the answer to. It really plays with my social anxiety, but so does a lot of things. I think this job is good for me though. I’m just glad that I’ve been able to do some graphic design projects.

I think that I’m in a weird place of “beginnings”. I’m starting new jobs, starting to pay back my loans, starting to question everything I thought I knew. I’ve struggled a lot throughout these past couple of years, but I have also learned a lot about myself that I’m not sure I would have come to realize otherwise.

I’ve lost my train of thought though, so..

The End.